if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
