I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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