you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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