omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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