I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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