Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
