Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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