i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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