My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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