Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
