I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
