so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
