Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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