She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
