i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
