Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
