Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All the doctor said was why
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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