so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
