Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
