RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
