Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
