when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize