My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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