mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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