Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
