remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
