that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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