Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
