There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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