We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
