so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
