the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
