and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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