thus making me awesome and them whores
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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