There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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