TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
