but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
