Don't make out with my wife yet
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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