I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
