The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
