dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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