CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize