Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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