Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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