I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
