She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
