i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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