Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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