I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
