i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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