so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
