if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
