nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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