I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
