do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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