My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
