i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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