does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
