the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
